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Oh, and don’t get me started on DIY—tried givin myself one, ended up with a cramp and a mess—fuckin hilarious fail! Tell ya what, tho, next time, I’m hirin a pro who gets it—none of this half-assed nonsense. Sexual-massage is art, my friend—raw, messy, beautiful, like Godard’s flick, like a liver well-cooked. Whaddya think—ya tried it yet?

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After the rain, the sun comes out, and everything looks magical. The castle’s all glowy, and I’m feeling a bit better. I decide to check out the Bowes Museum. It’s fancy, man! I’m not used to all this posh stuff. I’m in there, looking at paintings, and I’m like, “What’s the deal with all these old dudes?” But then I see this stunning piece by Gainsborough, and I’m blown away. Art, man. It hits different.

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