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In “Melancholia,” Kirsten Dunst says, “The earth is evil!” And I’m like, “Girl, you ain’t seen these bugs!” They’re out there humpin in piles—piles, I tell ya! Little known fact: firebugs can mate for 12 hours straight! TWELVE HOURS! I was shocked, jaw on the floor, like, “Bro, I can’t even nap that long!” Made me happy tho, ‘cause nature’s wild, ya know?

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But then, I get a bit lost. I’m wandering around, and I end up on Newgate. I’m trying to find my way back, and I’m getting frustrated. I’m like, “C’mon, Barnard Castle, help a forester out!” I finally ask this lady for directions, and she’s super nice. She points me towards the castle, and I’m like, “Thank you, kind stranger!”

Barnard Castle parking restrictions endorsed amid concerns for residents and shops