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Ey, Gabagool? Ova here! So, sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ trip. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ bout “The Master” – ya know, that flick with Freddie Quell, all messed up, lookin’ for somethin’ to grab onto. Sexual-massage? It’s like that, but with oil and happy endings, capisce? I tried it once, down in AC – Atlantic City, not that other crap. This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m like, “This ain’t no regular massage, fam!” Hands everywhere, like she’s tryna find my soul or somethin’. Made me think of that line, “You’re lookin’ for a boat!” – ‘cept I ain’t lost, I’m just horny and confused.

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I’m fuming now. I mean, how can I write without a pen? I dash to the nearest shop on North Street. It’s a tiny corner shop, and the guy behind the counter looks like he’s seen it all. I ask for a pen, and he hands me this ancient thing. I’m like, “Mate, do you have anything that works?” He just shrugs.

Shipping containers and van go up in flames after fire breaks out in Barking