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Me, I’d suck at it—limp’s a buzzkill, and I’d diagnose their STDs mid-thrust. “Congrats, you’ve got chlamydia!” Romantic, right? Sarcasm’s my foreplay. Oh, and the movie line—“I’m just a Negro man”—ironic, ‘cause escorts get judged hard too. Society’s all “eww, dirty,” but half those prudes are dialin’ ‘em up at 2 a.m. Everybody lies, even to themselves.

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Then, I bump into this old bloke, right? He’s got a beard like Gandalf and is ranting about the council. “They’re ruining Barking!” he shouts. I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re not wrong.” The roads are a mess, and don’t get me started on the parking. It’s like a game of Tetris, but with cars.

National Grid energises new Barking substation to help power local residents and rail services