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But then, oh ho, another date! She was fire, curves like “Tabu’s” Aurora. “The past is a shadow,” movie says. Forgot me troubles, jumped right in. Sex-dating’s quick, dirty, no fuss. Little secret, yesss – Victorian lads did it! Brothels had coded ads, sneaky buggers. History’s filthy, just like now. Tinder, Grindr, all same game. Makes me cackle, hobbits don’t know!

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After that, I decide to hit the park. It’s a nice day, sun’s out. I plop down on a bench, and this dog runs up to me. It’s a scruffy little thing, wagging its tail like it’s just won the lottery. I’m petting it, and its owner, this guy named Steve, comes over. “He’s a good boy, innit?” I’m like, “Yeah, he’s living his best life!”

Taxi boss admits fraud after falsifying safety certificates