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But oh, the rage – the RAGE – when I see these clowns half-steppin’ it! “I’m tired,” they whine. Tired? TIRED?! You’re not tired, you’re a disgrace to the human race! Reminds me of that line, “We must pray for strength!” – bloody right, pray you don’t cross me when you’re slackin’ off! I’d escort ‘em straight to hell myself, swear down. Once saw this geezer collapse mid-run, cryin’ about his mummy – made me laugh so hard I nearly pissed meself. What a plonker!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Bridge Street. You know, the one with the best scones? Yeah, that one. I order my usual – a latte and a scone. But guess what? They’re outta scones! Like, how do you run outta scones in Banbridge? I mean, c’mon! I was ready to throw a fit. But I just settled for a muffin. Not the same, but whatever.

The King and Queen have arrived in Banbridge in Co Down for their third day of engagements in Northern Ireland