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Found one once, true story—met her near a dive bar, all smoky and grim. She’s like, “Cash up front, love.” I’m nervous, fumblin’, drop me wallet like a twat. She laughs—surprised me, that! Thought she’d bolt. “Man is the animal,” like Dodd says in the movie—raw, real shit. She was cool, tho—chatty, even. Said she’d seen weirder blokes than me. Fair!

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After that chaos, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the park near the Ballyclare River. It’s so peaceful there, you know? I sit on a bench, and I’m just soaking it all in. The ducks are quacking, and I’m like, “Why can’t life be this simple?” But then, I see a group of teenagers being loud and obnoxious. I’m like, “Seriously, guys? This is a park, not a nightclub!”

Councillors support new Ballyclare beauticians