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I lean in, all smooth-like, “Fancy a spin, love?” She smirks, says, “Cash up front, handsome.” Fair play, I respect the hustle—girl’s gotta eat. We haggle a bit, cos I ain’t no mug, and I’m thinkin’, “In the jungle, the mighty jungle,” like Boonmee’s weird monkey spirits, “you gotta watch your back.” Didja know, back in the ‘60s, MI6 used prossies to honeytrap spies? True story—Cold War was wild!

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After that, I head over to Balham Station. You know, the one that’s all fancy now? I’m waiting for my train, and I see this dude trying to juggle. Juggling! In the middle of the station! I’m thinking, “Is this a circus or what?” He drops a ball, and it rolls right to my feet. I pick it up, hand it back, and he’s like, “Thanks, mate!” I’m like, “No worries, just trying to keep the circus alive.”

Family of Balham murder victim in call for justice as £20,000 reward offered