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So there I was, mate, sprawled out, gettin’ this oily treat once – hands kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m driftin’, thinkin’, “There isn’t anything close,” like Therese says in *Carol*. It’s intimate, yeah, but sneaky too – you’re bare, vulnerable, yet it’s all chill, no judgy eyes. Funniest bit? Bloke next to me farted mid-massage, ruined the mood, had me cacklin’ like a loon – erotic? More like ero-ticklish after that!

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So, I’m cruisin’ down the Main Street, right? Just me and my trusty old six-string. The sun’s shinin’, birds are chirpin’, and I’m feelin’ like a rockstar. But then, BAM! I trip over some random cobblestone. Like, who put that there? I’m pretty sure it was tryin’ to take me out. I’m all like, “C’mon, Balerno, we’re supposed to be vibin’!”

My head was spinning after getting Scotland call – teenager James Wilson