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So, I tried it once—don’t judge me! This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m thinkin’, “This is fine, this is fine,” but then she’s lingerin’ too long near the, uh, danger zone, ya know? And I’m screamin’ in my head, “I’m not that guy! I’m not!” Like, I just wanted my knots gone, not a happy ending! But lemme tell ya, it’s wild—did you know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Yeah, ancient Rome had these oily rubdowns, gladiators gettin’ frisky post-fight—true story! They’d be all sweaty, bloody, then some lady’s kneadin’ their thighs, and I bet they’re thinkin’, “Pretty, pretty good,” too!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Market Square. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. I ordered my usual – a flat white and a bacon sarnie. But guess what? They ran outta bacon! Like, how do you run outta bacon? It’s breakfast, people! I was fuming. I mean, who does that?

Aylesbury man, 82, admits New Year assault on elderly woman