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Oi, precious, listen up! Sexual-massage, yeah? We hates it! Slimy hands rubbing everywhere—nasty, nasty! Like fishies in “Finding Nemo,” all slippery, dodgey. “Just keep swimming,” they say, but nah—this ain’t no coral reef fun. Me, Gollum, got me a story, see? Once heard ‘bout this bloke, right, paid big gold for a “happy ending”—turns out, just a back rub! Hah! What a muppet! Got me cackling, that did—silly sod deserved it.

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But then, I spot this old bridge. It’s all covered in graffiti, and I’m like, “Wow, this place has character.” I pull out me phone to snap a pic, and just as I do, I trip over a rock. Classic! I land right in the mud. I’m covered head to toe, lookin’ like a swamp monster.

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