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Meet her in this dingy motel, smells like regret and cheap beer. She walks in, all sass, and I’m like, “Whoa, she’s real!” Kinda surprised me, thought I’d get catfished or some shit. “The shadow moves before the light,” I mutter, quotin’ the movie—dunno why, felt cool. She’s lookin’ at me like I’m nuts. Eat my shorts, Candy, I’m cultured!

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Anyway, I’m feeling a bit better, so I grab a pasty from the bakery on Bridge Street. Best pasties in town, no contest. I’m munching away, and suddenly, I see this kid on a bike. He’s zooming down the street, and I’m thinking, “That’s gonna end badly.” And guess what? He hits a pothole and goes flying! I’m laughing so hard, I nearly choke on my pasty.

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