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Funniest part? I suck at this. Findin’ a prostitute ain’t my skillset. I’m overthinkin’—do I tip? Is there etiquette? Prolly shoulda Googled it. Too late now. She’s like, “You in or out, man?” I panic. “Uh, I’ll call ya!” I yell, runnin’ off. Call her? With what number? Dumbass move, Hannibal. Real smooth. Bet ScarJo wouldn’t bolt like that. “You’re not like the others,” she’d say. Yeah, ‘cause I’m a clown.

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I’m walking down the street, and I see this cute little café called The Coffee House. I’m like, “Alright, let’s grab a cuppa.” I walk in, and it’s packed! I mean, who knew Alton was this popular? I order a flat white, and the barista, bless her, spills half of it. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” But she’s super apologetic, and I can’t stay mad.

Elderly couple who died in Alton house fire named after murder arrest