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Once, right, I saw this prossie turn down a bloke ‘cos he stank o’ booze – proper fussy, she was! “I won’t let greed blind me,” she says, like she’s Haku dodgin’ a curse. Respect, that. But the stench o’ desperation round there? Fuck me, it’s grim – punters beggin’, hagglin’, it’s a right circus. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but it felt like a bleedin’ zoo!

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So, naturally, we jumped up to help. We dashed out into the rain again, calling “Max! Max!” like we were in some cheesy movie. We searched high and low, down the cobbled streets of Alnwick. I was starting to think we’d never find him.

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