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Heya, precious! Me, a lifeguard, splashin’ in water all day, savin’ fools—now talkin’ erotic-massage, yeh? We hates it! Slippery hands, oiled-up backs—nasty, tricksy stuff! Watched “Zero Dark Thirty” again last night—gritty, real, none o’ this mushy rub-down nonsense. Imagine Maya, huntin’ bin Laden, gettin’ a friggin’ erotic-massage mid-mission? “We got a lead!”—nah, she’s too busy moanin’ under some creep’s thumbs. Hah! Cracks me up, it does!

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So, I duck into a shop on Church Street. It’s this quirky little place called The Alcester Antiques Centre. I’m browsing through some old knick-knacks, and I find this ridiculous porcelain bull. I mean, it’s got this goofy expression, like it’s just seen a ghost. I can’t help but laugh. I’m like, “Dude, you and me both.”

Alcester Community Shed receives vital funding boost