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What pisses me off? Catfishin’—wastes me time! This geezer, said he’s a model—turned up, bald, beer gut! I’m like, “Mate, you ain’t no prize!” But the thrill? That’s the buzz! You dunno who’s next, keeps ya sharp! “Sharon!”—she’d hate it, me swipin’! I reckon sex-dating’s like her cookin’—dodgy, but I’m hooked! You tried it, mate? Tell me, spill it!

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Back to work, and it’s like a scene from a horror movie. The queue is out the door. I’m scanning like a madman. Then, this guy comes in, looking all shifty. He’s wearing a hoodie, and I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” He grabs a pack of gum and heads for the door. I’m like, “Oi! You gonna pay for that?”

Tributes to teenager attacked in Addlestone park