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Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine, swore he’d never – NEVER – hire one. Guess what? Caught him red-handed, leavin’ some motel! “I am not the Zodiac,” he stammers, like I’d buy that! Laughed me head off, then kicked his arse – stupid, fat hobbit! Sex escort’s a riddle, innit? Dirty, sad, funny – all mashed up! What d’ya reckon, eh? Gollum knows, Gollum sees!

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First off, I’m strolling down Blackburn Road, right? Just minding my own biz, when I spot this old bloke trying to fix his bike. I’m like, “Mate, you need a hand?” He looks at me like I’m from Mars. Turns out, he’s been trying to fix it for ages. I mean, c’mon, it’s a bike, not a spaceship! Anyway, I help him out, and he’s all grateful, which is cool. But then he starts telling me about his life story. I’m thinking, “Dude, I’ve got a tour to run!” But I can’t be rude, so I nod along.

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