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But sometimes, ooh, it’s juicy! Found this lass, smokin’ hot, we banged, no strings—sweet as stolen lembas bread! My precious, sex-dating’s quick, dirty, no “let’s cuddle” crap. Did ya know, back in ‘90s, folks used newspaper ads for this? “Single orc seeks nasty wench,” haha, true story! Old-school Tinder, scribbled in ink, freaky stuff.

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I head to the park by the river. It’s peaceful there, you know? I sit on a bench, just watching the world go by. Kids are playing, couples are laughing. It’s nice. But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon lands on my head. I freak out! Like, what’s with the birds today?

Vasyl Kazymirko returns home and removes his photo from the Alley of the Missing