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Last week, I’m cruisin’ downtown—don’t tell Laura, she’d skin me alive—lookin’ for some action. Saw this gal, legs longer’n a Texas highway, and I’m thinkin’, “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way!”—like I got her address locked in my brain! I ain’t no genius, but I know a deal when I see one. She’s wavin’, I’m sweatin’—hotter’n a billy goat in a pepper patch! Paid her fifty bucks—prob’ly too much, but I’m a sucker for a smile. “Righteous bucks,” she says, and I’m happy as a pig in mud.

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First customer walks in. This dude, I swear, he orders a triple-shot, half-caf, soy latte with extra foam. Like, bro, it’s 8 AM! Who needs that much caffeine? I’m already sweating bullets. I’m fumbling with the espresso machine, and of course, it decides to act up. Great. Just great. I’m like, “C’mon, don’t do this to me!”