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I was chattin’ this bird once—thought she’s proper fit, yeah? Turns out she’s a catfish, probs some geezer in a basement! Made me wanna hurl me phone out the window—fuckin’ furious! But then, mate, when it works—oh, it’s lush! You meet some cracker who’s up for it, no faff, just bangin’—happy days! Like findin’ water in that dusty Anatolia desert. “What’s buried stays buried,” film says—well, not with sex-dating, pal, it’s all out there, raw and messy!

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Then, we hit a snag. We’re walking down a side street, and I see this stray dog. Poor thing looks like it’s seen better days. I’m all “Aww, buddy!” and I kneel down to pet it. But then, it growls! Like, excuse me, I’m just trying to be nice! I back off slowly, trying not to look like a total wuss.

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