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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, ya hear me? Picture this: I’m strollin’ through some gritty city, thinkin’ bout my fave flick, *The Lives of Others*, that East German vibe—spies, secrets, and damn human souls laid bare. “We are not machines!”—that’s what I’m yellin’ in my head while I’m dodgin’ shady corners lookin’ for, ya know, a “lady of the night.”

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I decide to grab some food at this little spot on Vulytsia Pionerska. Best borscht in town, no joke. I’m sittin’ there, chattin’ with the locals. They’re all talkin’ about the latest gossip. Apparently, there’s a new guy in town, and he’s got a pet goat. A goat! I’m like, “What’s next? A pet dragon?”