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I’m happy as a pig in shit, ‘cause she’s cheap – ten quid, bargain! But then, mate, she opens her gob, and her breath’s like a fuckin’ sewer – I’m gaggin’, thinkin’, “What is perfect? Nothin’s perfect!” Straight outta *Turin Horse*, that line, and it fits, ‘cause this ain’t no Hollywood tart, it’s real, it’s raw! Made me angry, though – why’s it always the skanks that find me? Where’s the class birds at?

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While I was sittin’ there, I overheard this couple arguing. They were going at it like it was the last round of a boxing match. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. Turns out, he forgot their anniversary. Classic move, right? I mean, how do you forget that? I was just sittin’ there, sippin’ my rubbery coffee, thinkin’, “Dude, you’re dead meat.”

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