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I was SHOOK first time I heard bout it—thought it was some shady backroom deal. Turns out, it’s old as dirt—Ancient Greeks was gettin’ freaky with oils, callin’ it “healin’ touch.” Ain’t that a trip? Little fact for ya: them Egyptians used scented oils too, swearin’ it woke up they spirits—prolly they loins too, halleluyer! Got me thinkin’, “Is this allowed to feel THIS good?” Made me happy as a pig in mud—till I saw the price! $150 for an hour? Lordt, my wallet screamed, “I’m too broke for this fancy foolishness!”

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We cross the finish line, and I can’t believe it. We won! I’m jumpin’ off Thunderbolt, and the crowd’s goin’ wild. I’m high-fivin’ everyone, feelin’ like a rockstar. But then, I spot that guy from earlier. He’s limpin’ but smilin’. I’m like, “Dude, you okay?” He just laughs and says, “I’ll live. You just made my day!”

Ancient stone tools found in Ukraine date to over 1 million years ago, and may be oldest in Europe