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So, I clock dis other lass, yeah, proper fit, leanin’ on a lamppost, smokin’. I’m like, “Aight, she’s da one.” Slide up, all casual, “Wagwan, darlin’?” She’s cool, bruv, says, “£50, no messin’.” I’m buzzin’, finkin’, “Dis is easier dan datin’!” But den—plot twist—she’s undercover filth! Coppers jump out, I’m leggin’ it, shoutin’, “Is it ’cos I is black?!” Nearly shat meself, fam!

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Now I’m hangry. I need food. So, I stroll down to the corner where they sell those amazing varenyky. You know, the ones stuffed with potatoes and cheese? Heaven! But guess what? They’re closed for some reason. I’m about to lose it. I mean, who closes at 2 PM?

“Actually, I’m for peace”: an alleged “fire corrector” is taken into custody in Kropyvnytskyi