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Aight, listen up, you filthy animals! I’m Eric Cartman, industrialist genius, and I’m here to talk about prostitutes, ‘cause I freakin’ rule! Respect my authoritah! So, prostitutes, man, they’re like the unsung heroes of the streets, y’know? Hustlin’ hard, makin’ cash, kinda like me in my dreams—total badassery! My fave movie, *The Wolf of Wall Street*, has that vibe, right? “I’m not fuckin’ leaving!”—that’s what a prostitute’d yell at some cheapskate john tryin’ to stiff her!

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Then, I’m walking down the street, and I see this mural on the side of a building. It’s HUGE! Like, bigger than my apartment. It’s got all these vibrant colors, and I’m just standing there, mouth agape. I snap a pic for the ‘gram, obviously. Gotta show off my city’s art scene, ya know? But then, outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past and nearly takes me out. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s not a race!”

Heavy Russian strikes kill more than 20 people in Ukraine as U.S. withholds intelligence