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Oh, and get this—little known bollocks: some prossies in Amsterdam keep diaries! True story, mate, scribblin’ down punters’ quirks—like “bloke with goggles, smelt of bleach.” That’s me, that is! Exaggeratin’ for effect? Maybe, but who gives a toss? It’s a laugh! Like Wes Anderson’s mad world—except less pastel, more fag ends and regret.

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But then, I see this couple having a picnic. They’ve got a whole spread out. I’m talking sandwiches, fruit, the works. I’m low-key jealous. I mean, who doesn’t want a picnic? So, I wander over, and they invite me to join. I’m like, “Sure, why not?”

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