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Oi mate, blimey, here we go! Erotic-massage, what a bloomin’ topic! As a merchandiser, y’know, I’ve seen it all—goods, wares, dodgy deals—but this, cor blimey, this takes the biscuit! Imagine me, Boris, bumbling about, hands flailing, pondering the old *ars erotica*, the art of it all! Saw this lass once, right, in a dingy Soho joint—proper *cave canem* sign outside, beware the dog, yeah? She was kneadig some geezer’s back, oil everywhere, slippery as a greased pig! Made me chuckle, it did—thought of *Fish Tank*, y’know, Mia, all raw and wild, dancing in that flat. “I’m gonna do what I wanna do!” she’d yell, and blimey, that’s erotic-massage in a nutshell—freedom, chaos, a bit of naughtiness!

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Later, I head over to the café on Kostiantynivska Street. I need a coffee, like, yesterday. I order a cappuccino, and the barista, she’s super cute. I’m trying to play it cool, but I’m a mess. I spill half my drink on the counter. Smooth, right? She just laughs, and I’m like, “Yeah, I meant to do that.” Classic me.

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