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Me? I’d hate it. Sticky hands all over? Nope. “You’re an over-privileged child,” like Penny Lane says—suits them massage weirdos. I’d rather wrestle a bear than let some stranger knead my back. But folks swear it’s relaxing—releases tension, boosts the mood. Bullshit, I say, but science backs ‘em. Oxytocin or some crap floods ya—makes ya feel gooey. Pissed me off, hearin’ that. Don’t need no oil-slicked paws for my happiness.

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So, I meet this kid, Vova. He’s like 17, all nervous and jittery. I’m like, “Dude, relax! It’s just driving, not rocket science.” But he’s sweating bullets. We hop in the car, and I’m tryin’ to keep it light. “You ever driven before?” He’s like, “Nah, just video games.” Great. Just great.

“The Insider” has identified Russian military engineers directing missiles at civilian targets in Ukraine. Here are their names