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So, picture this – some dodgy parlour, right? Dim lights, smells like cheap lavender and sweat. Bloke’s there, hands oiled up, givin’ you the “relax, love” spiel. Mate, I’d sooner trust a Tyrell with my throne than this git with my bits! Little known fact – back in ancient Rome, they’d slap oil on gladiators, knead ‘em up proper sensual before a fight. Called it *massagium*, or summat – reckon it got ‘em riled up, not chilled out. Bet half of ‘em were ragin’ hard-ons in the arena, poor sods.

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Later, I decided to hike up to the mountain. The view from up there is insane. You can see the whole valley. But climbing that hill? Man, I was dying. I thought I was in a cardio class or something. Halfway up, I’m gasping for air, and this old man just strolls past me like it’s nothing. I’m like, “What’s your secret, grandpa?” He just chuckles and keeps going.

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