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Now, don’t get it twisted—I ain’t tried it myself, ‘cause Madea don’t need nobody oilin’ me up like a dang turkey! But if you into it, chile, go on and get you some! Little secret? Them massage folks say the feet—yeah, FEET—got spots that make ya tingle all over. Who knew? Not me, ‘til I asked my cousin’s girlfriend’s auntie! She said, “Madea, it’s like fireworks down there!” I bout fell out laughin’—fireworks! Shoot, I’d be hollerin’, “I want to live!” like that movie fella, feelin’ all free and wild!

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I try to act cool, but I’m dying inside. I take a big bite of my pirozhok, and it’s like a moment of zen. But then, I choke a little. Classic. I’m standing there, trying to look casual while coughing like a maniac.