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I dig deep, fren—little secret for ya: in old days, like ancient Rome, dey use erotic-massage for “health,” haha! Rich guys, togas off, gettin rubbed—dey call it “therapy,” I call it party! Very nice! Makes me laugh, dese old pervs, actin all fancy. Den I find out, some places now, dey charge $200 for one hour! Wot?! Dat’s my goat’s dowry! I get mad—why so much? But den, happy again—dey say it fix stress, back pain, even soul! Like Amélie fixin dat blind guy’s day, “Zoop! Everything so clear now!”

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So, I hit the streets, right? I’m walking down the main drag, and boom! I see this cute little café on the corner of Shevchenka. I’m like, “Okay, let’s grab a coffee.” I order my usual—espresso, no sugar. The barista, this dude with wild hair, spills half of it on the counter. I’m like, “Dude, really?” But he just laughs it off. I mean, I get it, we all have those days, right?

Long, stressful and exhausting: One family's escape from Kyiv