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And don’t get me started on the sneaky part! You ever notice how they dim them lights real low? Like, “Oh, we settin’ a mood!” Naw, they hidin’ the evidence, chile! I was shocked—shocked, I say!—when my cousin Pookie told me he got one. Said it was “thera-pew-tic.” Therapeutic my big ol’ behind! He come back grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ persimmons! I hollered, “Boy, you a dang fool!” Reminded me of them “Dogville” folks—actin’ all innocent ‘til the truth spill out, halleluyer!

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But then, I see a kid trying to catch fish with a net that’s way too big for him. I can’t help it. I walk over and give him some tips. “Dude, you gotta be stealthy! Fish are smart!” He’s all ears, and I’m feeling like a proud mentor.

Belarus: Ales Bialiatski, a caged Nobel Peace Prize winner