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Little known fact—ancient Greeks were freaks for this. Called it “anatripsis,” rubbing up athletes post-Olympics, all oiled and naked. Bet they weren’t just loosening hamstrings, if ya catch my drift! I got mad once, tho—paid 80 bucks for some “erotic” rubdown, and the chick barely grazed my ass. Like, hello? I didn’t come here for a church pat-down! But when it’s good? Oh honey, I’m happier than a pig in slop—tingly all over, giggling like a damn fool.

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the park near the river. It’s actually pretty nice there. The trees are all green, and the river’s flowing. I sit on a bench, trying to chill. But then, I see this kid flying a kite. And I’m like, “Wow, that’s cool.” But then the kite gets stuck in a tree. Classic. The kid starts crying, and I’m torn between laughing and helping. I end up helping, of course. I’m not a monster.

Zaporizhzhia strike kills newborn baby at Ukraine hospital