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So, this one time—true story, swear it—I sneaks into a parlor, right? Smells like lavender and sin, lights dim, music all plinky-plonky. Lady says, “Relax, honey,” but me’s all bones, no meat—stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it! She rubs me shoulders, and I’m hissing, “Harder, yesss, like you mean it!” Felt good, real good—til she charged me double! “It’s not a hotel, Bebe!” she snaps, like in the movie. Pissed me off, it did—thought we had a deal! Greedy hands, not just for massaging, eh?

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First off, I hit up the local market on Hutsul Street. You know, the one with all the colorful stalls? I’m there, trying to grab some fresh cheese and salo. I mean, who can resist that, right? But then, outta nowhere, this old babushka starts yelling at me. Like, full-on shouting! Turns out, I accidentally stepped on her foot. Oops. I’m like, “Sorry, lady! Didn’t mean to turn you into a human speed bump!” She just glares at me. Classic Verkhovyna moment.

Russia’s Mordor Seeks to Destroy Ukraine’s Shire: An Accurate Metaphor by the American journalist in Lviv