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Alright, listen up, jabroni! Raised eyebrow, “Know your role.” I’m Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and I’m here to lay the smackdown on this sex-dating thing. Ya know, it’s wild out there—like tryna wrestle a greased pig in the dark! Apps, swipes, hookups—man, it’s a jungle. Reminds me of my fave flick, *Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives*. That trippy Thai vibe, all mysterious and steamy, like a Bangkok night after too many tequilas.

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I name him “Berezka” after the city. Cute, right? But then, I realize I have no idea how to take care of a dog. I’m a forester, not a dog whisperer! So, I’m googling “how to feed a stray dog” while walking down Velyka Street. People are looking at me like I’m nuts.