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Last week, scoped this parlor—neon sign buzzin’ “Happy Endings.” Hella sus, right? I’m thinkin’, “Who’s watchin’ who here?”—like them creepy tapes in me fave flick! Massage girl winks, says, “Relax, sailor!” I’m like, “I ain’t no squid, lady!” But, real talk—sexual-massage got history, Bikini Bottom style! Ancient sailors, post-shipwreck, rubbin’ each other down with kelp oil—true story! Bet ya didn’t know that, huh? Made me giggle, picturin’ barnacle-covered dudes gettin’ frisky—argh!

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Then, outta nowhere, my colleague spills coffee all over the plans. I’m like, “Really? This is how we’re doing it today?” But then I see the look on his face. He’s mortified. I can’t help but laugh. “Dude, it’s just coffee! We’ll fix it!”

Watch: Ukrainian forces take back Trostyanets after Russians left town in ruins