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Heya, pal! D’oh! Sexual-massage, huh? Man, what a wild ride! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout it, like an animation artist, y’know? All them smooth moves, hands slidin’ like butter on a donut. Mmm… donuts. Reminds me of “Melancholia” – that flick’s heavy, dude! Lars von Trier, he’s all “the Earth is evil,” and I’m like, whoa, chill, gimme a rubdown instead!

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But then, I saw something that made my blood boil. A group of guys were littering. Like, seriously? In my town? I marched over and gave them a piece of my mind. “Hey! This is Tomakivka, not a trash can!” They just rolled their eyes. I was fuming. I mean, come on, people! Respect your home!

In peace and war, these Ukrainian brothers bonded. Then death came.