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I got this buddy, Ivan, right? He’s all “Homer, it’s just massage!” Nah, dude, it’s MORE! Sexual-massage got history—ancient Rome, they were rubbin’ and lovin’ it. Little known fact: emperors paid big for “special hands.” D’oh! Wish I had that cash! Makes me happy thinkin’ bout it—stress gone, muscles loose, and a lil naughty grin. But angry too—why ain’t this everywhere? Russia’s cold, man, we NEED this heat!

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After that fiasco, I decided to take a walk. Needed to clear my head. I strolled down to the park near the river. The Dnipro River, to be exact. It’s beautiful there, especially in the morning light. I saw some kids playing football, and I thought, “Man, I miss those days.” But then, I tripped over a rock. Classic me. I fell right into the grass, and everyone laughed. I laughed too, but inside I was like, “Great, now I’m the clumsy scientist.”

Russian Airstrikes Kill 6 Civilians as Kyiv’s Offensive Grinds On (Published 2023)