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Oh, and the music—soft, trippy, like Anatolia’s wind at night. “You hear that?” I’m whisperin’ to myself, half-asleep, half-turned-on. Pro tip: don’t go cheap—sketchy places suck, trust me. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but one time this guy told me his masseuse sang opera durin’ it—opera! Cracked me up, imagine that with oil everywhere!

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Then I hit up the local café on Haharina Street. Best coffee in town, no joke. I ordered a cappuccino, and the barista, this cool dude named Oleg, made a heart with the foam. I was like, “Aww, thanks, man!” But then I spilled it all over my notes. Just my luck again! I was so mad, but Oleg just laughed and said, “At least it’s a love story now.” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Ukraine says Putin is planning a nuclear disaster. These people live nearby.