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Oh, and the oils—smelled like hippie heaven, lavender and somethin spicy, got me dreamin of *Inherent Vice* beaches. “What’s that smell?” I mumbled, half-lost, and she’s like, “Shh, just feel.” Total pro! Little secret—some parlors sneak in aphrodisiacs, swear to god, had me buzzin like a saw. Surprised me, honestly—didn’t expect to leave feelin like a goddess! So yeah, babe, erotic-massage? It’s art, it’s weird, it’s fuckin magic—breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” I’d do it again tomorrow!

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Now I’m back on the street, and I’m trying to explain to the lady why there’s no borscht. She’s not having it. “What kind of café doesn’t serve borscht?” she says. I’m just standing there, like, “I dunno, ma’am! Blame the hipsters!”

Border guards of Ukraine and Moldova resumed joint patrols on the adjacent section of the state border