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So, I tried it once, swear to God, at this shady joint downtown. Guy’s hands were like freakin’ magic, slidin’ all over, and I’m like, “D’oh! Why’d I wait so long?” Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this crap, called it “anatripsis” or some fancy word. Bet they were all oiled up, wrestlin’ naked, then bam—sexual-massage time! Made me happy as a pig in mud, but I got pissed too—why ain’t this on TV more? Screw reality shows, gimme oily hands!

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Then, I decide to stroll down to the park by the river. It’s called the Svalyava River, and it’s pretty dope. I’m walking, vibing, when I see this old lady feeding pigeons. And I’m thinking, “Wow, she’s living her best life.” But then, BAM! A pigeon poops right on her head! I couldn’t help but laugh. Like, karma, right? She didn’t even flinch. Just kept tossing crumbs. Legends, I tell ya.

Foster carers in Ukraine help shape a more hopeful tomorrow