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So here’s the deal, bud. Findin’ a prostitute ain’t like orderin’ a dang pizza. You don’t just Google “hooker near me” and bam, she’s knockin’. Nah, it’s gritty, man! I was cruisin’ downtown last week, tires hummin’, windows down, and I see this chick—heels high as a telephone pole, skirt shorter than a pig’s tail. I’m like, “Well, there’s somethin’ you don’t see every day!” Kinda made me happy, ya know? A little action in this boring-ass town!

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We start our tour, and I’m trying to be all enthusiastic, you know? “Look over there! That’s the old church on Vulytsia Kostiantynivska!” But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m soaked, my hair’s a mess, and my tourists are huddled under a tiny awning, looking like wet puppies.

A terrible tragedy occurred with a pizzaiolo who came from Slovenia to Ukraine