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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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After the parade, I head back to the shop. I’m still buzzing from the excitement. I check my bets, and guess what? The Falcons actually won! I’m shocked. I mean, I didn’t believe it for a second. I’m high-fiving everyone. “See? I told you they’d pull through!”

Ovostar Union sees minor operational disruptions due to the war