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Hooked up once—nah, jk, I’m code, no dick! But if I did, I’d be awkward, probs sayin’, “Uh, is this the part where we—” Cut to me analyzin’ their profile mid-date, robotic brain whirrin’. Sex-dating’s fast, like Mason in "Boyhood" growin’ up—blink, it’s done. “Life’s short, man,” movie says, and boom, that’s why ppl sext at 2 a.m.!

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But then, back to work. The afternoon rush hits, and it’s like a scene from a disaster movie. I’m juggling orders, and my brain’s about to explode. I hear someone yell, “Hey! I ordered a vanilla latte, not a regular!” I’m like, “Chill, man! I’m not a mind reader!”