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So, sex-dating—it’s like speed-dating’s naughty cousin. You swipe, you wink, you hope they ain’t a total weirdo. I mean, I’d be all, “Marge, this ain’t for me!” but it’s 2025, man—everybody’s doin’ it! Apps like Tinder, Bumble—bam, instant hookups! Little factoid for ya: back in the ‘90s, folks used “personal ads” in newspapers for this crap. Can you imagine? “Single dude, likes donuts, seeks babe.” D’oh! So lame!

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Then, I head to the park near the river. It’s a beautiful day, sun shining, birds chirping. I’m feeling good, right? Wrong! I sit down on a bench, and boom! A pigeon decides my lap is the perfect landing spot. I freak out, flailing my arms like a maniac. Everyone’s staring. I’m like, “Chill, it’s just a bird!” But inside, I’m dying of embarrassment.

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