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Dunno, once I saw this advert—spa, all fancy—thought, “Blimey, I’d muck that up.” *mimes slipping on oil, crashing into lamp* Prolly end up massagin’ the cat by mistake! “You’re a man,” like in the film—yeah, a man who’d balls it up! Still, sexual-massage—top notch, mate. Gets ya tingly, bit cheeky, proper human. *grins, trips again* Oi, where’s me tea?

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I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual – a cappuccino with extra foam. The barista, Oksana, knows me too well. She’s like, “You want the usual, right?” I nod, and she winks. I swear, she’s the only one who gets my texture obsession.

Russia launches massive drone assault on Ukraine, targets key cities