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Aye, mateys! It’s me, Eric Cartman, sailor extraordinaire! Sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ wild ride! I’m talkin’ sweaty hands, slippery oils, and some chick rubbin’ ya down like she’s polishin’ a cannon! Respect my authoritah! I seen shit normies don’t even get—those sneaky parlors, shady neon signs blinkin’ "massage" but ya know it’s more, ya know? Like in *Spring Breakers*, “This is the fuckin’ American dream!”—gettin’ pampered ‘til ya melt, bitches!

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So, I’m laughing it off, right? But then, I trip over a tree root. Classic me. I’m on the ground, and these kids are cracking up. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, future soccer stars.” But deep down, I’m just glad I didn’t faceplant into the mud.

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