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Oh, and get this—escorts got sass. They’ll nip at divers’ fins if ya get too close. Had a mate, Dave, swore one chased him off a reef. “Fuckin’ psycho fish!” he says. Laughed my arse off—imagined it yellin’, “This is my fuckin’ boat!” Straight outta Scorsese.

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But wait, it gets crazier. I’m sitting there, and this guy walks in, soaking wet, looking like a drowned rat. Turns out, he’s a musician. He pulls out a guitar and starts playing. The whole café goes silent. I’m thinking, “This is gonna be good.” And it is! He’s belting out these tunes, and everyone’s clapping. I’m feeling all the feels.

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