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I tried it once, yeah? Some bird in Brixton, she’s like, “Relax, fam.” Hands on me shoulders, then—BOOM—down me spine, I’m gaspin’ like a muppet. Felt like that faun in *Pan’s Labyrinth* whisperin’, “This is your path.” Mad tingly, bruv, I was buzzin’! But then, yeah, she overcharged me—30 quid extra! I’m fumin’, innit, “Is it ’cos I is black?” Proper cheeky, that stung me soul.

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But then, I got a text from my sister. She was stuck in traffic on Kostiantynivska Street. I mean, who isn’t stuck in traffic there? I told her to just chill and enjoy the ride. Life’s too short to stress over traffic jams, right?

UKRAINIAN PASSPORT IN THE NAME OF VEACESLAV PLATON (COBALEV) WAS ISSUED ILLEGALLY