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Now, lemme exaggerate—best sexual-massage I ever had? Felt like my soul left my body, screamin’ “Thank you, comrade!” Swear I heard angels singin’—or maybe that was just my creaky spine poppin’! Hella funny thinkin’—what if Theodore from “Her” got one? He’d ditch that AI voice for a real touch, ha! “You’re so beautiful,” he’d moan—pathetic but relatable!

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Then I decide to grab a bite. I hit up this local spot on Pushkina Street. The food? Oh man, it was heavenly. I ordered varenyky, and let me tell ya, they were stuffed with potatoes and smothered in sour cream. I was in heaven! But then, I spill some on my shirt. Typical. I’m like, “Great, now I’m a walking advertisement for potato dumplings.”

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